THE PARADOX OF A "NICE GUY"

While writing this article, I can only think of how Ted Mosby is going to be pissed that I decided to call him out with this article, but then I am reminded of the fact that he is fictional and that my lack of a social life leads me to have parasocial relationships with characters on my TV Screen. Anywhoooo, let’s start with the rant, shall we? But first, in true essay style, here is a quote:

“Real magic can never be made by offering someone else's liver. You must tear out your own, and not expect to get it back.”

-The Last Unicorn (Peter S. Beagle)

The “Nice Guy” Persona

If it wasn’t apparent, I love liver. But more than that, I hate the “nice guy”, Ted Mosby. Now I could go on a rant about him and I honestly will in another article (that lies half- written in some folder I don’t want to open, like some dark locked room leading to a dungeon, except instead of sleeping dragons, it contains half written articles I chose to sleep on) but here, I shall discuss “nice guys”. You know the section of men, women just don’t want to date despite him buying her flowers and telling her she is beautiful, because women are just unappreciative bitches who don’t value being treated well. The section of men who, when rejected, hold a grudge against the woman, call her unappealing, and wish ugly things upon her because she overlooked him despite his compassion….Yes, those “nice guys”.

The Manipulation behind the Mask

What if I give you the argument, that women don’t dislike nice guys because they are nice, but because they are manipulative? A nice guy often starts by putting on the personality of everything one would typically want in a partner, laced with a bit of vulnerability. Maybe he is a sweet wife guy, a hardworking office colleague with eyes just on you or a geeky theatre kid offering a lifetime of commitment. He might not necessarily be tall or wealthy or sporty and fit like those arrogant “player” men around, but he is loyal, caring, calls out men for sexism, and advocates for the rights of women. But slowly, (usually after three months as the famous test goes) their shroud starts slipping. He has a workplace affair, enters a relationship with another woman when his wife just gave birth or threatens to bang his girlfriend’s head against the wall, drag her into a room and put her into a headlock, or simply have an emotional breakdown just because she asked him to bring water from the kitchen, because clearly he had larger issues at hand, like deciding which friend group to meet next, while using his girlfriend’s place as a lodge (Thoda personal hogaya). I feel it is the perfect time to check out the reddit thread on how experiences with nice guys really go (and come back here afterward).

Nice guys, by their very nature, are inept at attracting a woman through skill or strength of character, so they shift the goalposts. They reframe the competition from one of competence, popularity, or charisma to one of moral superiority. They are now “above” toxic masculinity, sexual impulses or competitiveness. I’m not talking about those genuine

men who actually transcend these pigeon holey stereotypes and rise above toxic masculinity (thanks to them, I still have hope in the world), but nice guys, haven’t transcended their inner impulses, they are just performative, pretending in order to attract women. Just like cuttlefish sometimes use tactical deception by displaying female patterns to bypass the stronger male fish to find themselves female fishes to mate.

Testing the “Nice Guy”

Women dislike nice guys because, with experience, they can sniff out (through intuition) that this seemingly emotionally sensitive guy might turn out to be a complete contradiction to the public image he maintains, that he is probably hiding his worst impulses behind a façade.          

An ultimate test for checking if a man is a “nice guy” (devised by me and decades of women) is to observe how he behaves with others, specifically those he does not want to sleep with, especially those beneath him, like the waiters or petrol station workers. Secondly, genuinely good people rarely call themselves nice all the time; they show it through action. “Nice guys” on the other hand, keep repeating it at regular intervals, as if reminding themselves of the character they are playing. He is quick to fall in love and declare it. His ideas about sex and gender roles are almost always skewed, tipping heavily towards traditional masculinity in a patriarchal society, brushed with opinions of Andrew Tate and Ben Shapiro, not because he finds them “interesting”, but because he analyzes their arguments and “thinks” they sometimes make sense. He is the guy who watched Animal in the theatres because the debate around it was too much and he wanted to judge the movie for himself. You know the one who keeps his arm around you (if you’re a man) and tells you that if you are too kind, women will not respect you and will see you as a beta instead of an alpha/sigma/whatever kind of guy, while acting the complete opposite for the girl they have their eyes on (also known as the Zakir Khan ‘sakht launda’ syndrome).

The Illusion of Niceness

For a nice guy, maintaining the illusion of niceness is far more important than actually being nice. Point out something that hurt you or a bad personality trait, and you shall face the wrath of the hidden monster lurking beneath the mask he had so perfectly put on. Women, much contrary to what these men believe, are not against the qualities of niceness they show; they are simply cautious of what they don’t show. Nice guys have the potential to end up like Ted Bundy, and, in turn, end your life.

Categories of “Nice Guy”

Without taking exaggerated examples into consideration, lets discuss three categories of our daily average “nice guy”.

The first is usually the one who sits in front of you and makes long, laudable claims of love and understanding, love-bombing you in the beginning only to become unpredictable over time and controlling his affection to be increasingly sporadic.  This famous technique of push and pull, turns the partner into a needy person, desperately waiting for the next dose of love and affection. This love bombing i.e. intense attention and affection shown in a short period of time, is often an act of gaining control. Once commitment occurs, any issue that arises becomes the woman’s fault. Add in a bit of abuse, and the trope of “he hits you and then buys you flowers” comes true, with abuse and control often followed by grand displays of affection to lure the woman back in: a clearly unequal relationship.

The second category of a daily average nice guy cannot even cloak his intentions well. His creepy, pushy and entitled intentions just shine through all of that niceness. When rejected, this guy, having zero awareness of what may have led to the rejection, starts blaming the woman for making bad choices and, in a way, validate his inner beliefs by claiming that woman will always choose “bad boys” over “nice guys” like him. He often wallows in self- pity with quotes like “nice guys finish last”, falls victim to coaches selling “nice guy” courses, or loudly claims that women only want “nice guys” after they have become “damaged goods” from bad relationships.  Some even go as far as following a Tinder date home because she left him at the restaurant for his bigotry.

The third category of the daily average nice guy is not necessarily creepy, he might even have a lot of female friends, but he usually lacks a spine. He voices no opinions of his own, usually bending to whatever the person in front of him says, much like a suck-up. He is happy to be used by a woman who takes advantage of him, because, at least, he is getting the attention. All this usually underlines his desperation for affection, validation and attention from people he thinks can boost his social standing. He has no romantic acumen and will either claim he is not romantic and do nothing or blindly follow movies to decide what to do (both of which are extremes and quite honestly, with the kind of movies we have in India, problematic). If accepted, these guys become needy and weirdly obsessive, wanting their partner’s attention to be on them all the time, probing and poking her so much so that she starts feeling like a mother instead of a girlfriend. The intention behind all this is completely selfish.

Most “nice guys” travel across these three categories depending on the situation and the woman they are interacting with. Now, I am not saying that woman don’t fall for dangerous guys, I mean all the bookstagram videos prove otherwise. But that’s not because they like bad men or being ill-treated, or whatever the assumption may be. Women are attracted to such men because of the strong protective aura they project, which makes the woman feel safe from other dangers. He fights the world for his girl, and not vice-versa. (a completely different topic).

The Media’s Role

TV media often makes us root for the “nice guys” to end up with the girls simply because he is friendly and “nice”. But even in these shows and movies, these “nice guys” can be as controlling, emotionally manipulative and misogynistic as the guy we are not supposed to root for. Case in point: Ross from F.R.I.E.N.D.S., Leonard from Big Bang Theory, Noah from the Notebook, Martin from Love, Simon and of course, Ted Mosby to name just a few. All of them are perfect examples from some major English language media consumed in India, where the “nice guy” (who is also the protagonist) prioritises his own romantic gratification so much, that he is willing to lie, manipulate, and coerce women into making them feel more affectionate towards him.

These “nice guy” characters become disappointed and angry, often moping in their monologues when the woman characters show their affection to anyone but them, in a way that portrays them as a loyal dog whose loyalty was not “rewarded”. They act as if their inherent “niceness” entitles them to a woman’s affection and then become resentful when it isn’t reciprocated (revealing a genuine lack of respect for a woman’s autonomy). None of what these characters do is to genuinely about being in the woman’s life as a true friend or companion, someone she can genuinely trust and feel a safe with, but rather a calculated act to wear her down until she feels that she has no other option but to accept him and “reward” him with either sex or a romantic relationship. I mean, BBT literally acknowledges this in Season 7 via Leonard and Penny.

Take Ted Mosby for example. His idea of that “one true love” leads him to relentlessly pursue the woman he’s after, usually Robin, with absolute disregard about her agency (and in her case, her clear disinterest). I mean he literally steals information and stalks women in his delusional pursuit of romance. He is only there to gain romantic favours and hence, can be just as toxic, misogynist and manipulative as the “bad guy” which he often portrays Barney to be. But we tend to forget that Ted is the narrator, the show is told from his POV and when we take a closer look, we realise that Barney was just more assertive and direct about his intentions, which Ted views as a threat, especially since he relies on self-pity and persistent “loyalty” to ultimately achieve romance. 

These characters are often later seen to be claiming that they liked these women for their personalities, but that is clearly a lie, and any viewer can see it. Their attraction is always based on their initial physical fascination, making their pursuit of her just as superficial and sinister as that of any “bad guy” they judge her for choosing. Because let me ask a question: the “nice guys” often position themselves as the better choice because they “respect” the woman more, but this respects only goes so far. As soon as she asserts her autonomy and chooses the hunky dude, she’s portrayed as having made the wrong choice. Doesn’t that make the motives of both types of men the same, wanting the woman for what she can do for them (romantic/sexual favours)??   

My tip: if we really have to take inspiration from media, maybe we should look at the actual good guys. Like Peter Kavinsky from To All the Boys I've Loved Before, Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation, Richard Hunter from the Bold Type, Jim Halpert from the Office or Jonah Simms from Superstore.

Using the Girlfriend as his Brand Accessory

Wife guys, heard of them? The very men who can’t stop obsessing over their girlfriends/wife publicly, walking around with their hands around her shoulder, seemingly showing her off. Saying the right things, unable to go three sentences without mentioning his girlfriend/wife. A shining example of an adoring, revolutionary husband/boyfriend who actually is actually devoted to one woman. The perfect advertisement to other women of what they could have. And then we come to know they cheated with one of the very women they were showing off their peacock feathers to. Be it Adam Levine, Ned Fulmer, my ex-favourite comedian John Mulaney or my ex getting straddled by his friend in front of me while they “play-fight” and I get ready to go to his friend's wedding-telling me many things I should have recognised then and there. When the mask drops, they face the most backlash because their identity was built on being “nice” and this selfishness exposes their toxicity. They act out in one of two ways: defensive (“I did a mistake because things were not going as he planned”) or proactive (“she is the cheater/manipulator; she is the one who pushed me to drugs; or she is the toxic one”) cause this nice, friendly guy can hardly be the scumbag.

Conclusion

“Nice Guy” is a brand. It’s a persona he has to upkeep, so any taint of selfishness or inhumane qualities in him is bad for the brand. Like a brand, he’ll do anything to maintain it. Now-a-days, since the partners are often seen as an extension of a person’s own brand, these men frequently portray themselves to be this eternally adoring and devoted partner, even if they might leave her the very next day (often followed by elaborate stories about why SHE left him/wasn’t interested in him, usually built on a repeated narrative of his last few experiences and concluding with him being the “nice guy”).

I mean this article is exactly why women don’t trust the “nice guy”, even when he is crawling at her feet like a worm and loudly promising her eternal adoration and devotion in some near future. Unlike in movies, in real life, when women encounter this seemingly harmless, unthreatening “nice” friend, who grovels and obsesses over her, he believes, for some reason, that acting like prey and using self-pity and self-depreciation will attract her. His devotion is not truly for her well-being; it’s for what she gives him: validation, an ego boost, and brand advertisement. His falling to his knees is not genuine adoration; it’s an attempt to make her the solution to his problems. The pedestal he places her on is not about who she is as a person but what she represents to his brand. No sooner she shows her humanity, the pedestal crumbles and resentment leads the game. And as soon as someone hotter, prettier or better comes in his purview, he abandons all his weak principled devotion.

This is classic in the realms of performative feminists, who usually claim to be left wing, yet their misogyny often the most toxic. There is a catalogue of all seemingly progressive voices who present themselves as sensitive and understanding, yet when given the chance in private or in public, reveal a weird, uncompromising misogynistic stance, sometimes with evidence of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. They use “woman” as an insult, dismiss women’s sexual trauma, and harbours gendered anger and disdain all while he apparently calling out other men for being “sexist”. This is worse than the right wing incel misogyny, especially because its dishonest. Through their narratives, they know it is wrong, but instead of rejecting toxic masculinity, these men have repressed it, until it explodes, and their resentment turns violent.

Nice guys need to realise that niceness is the bare minimum. If the highest praise you can give yourself is “nice”, then it is time to look inwards. “Niceness” and “Kindness” are not the same thing. It’s quite a basic, if you are a kind person in general, you do things from the bottom of your heart and expect nothing in return. But if you want to establish that you are “nice”, you do it because you want something from the other person. Kindness is courageous, it means putting your neck on the line, not walking away from confrontation when required, and not having the need to be liked and bending one’s entire moral principles to be accepted. Niceness on the other hand is timid. It’s using your niceness as a barter to get things from the person in front, like a woman should be thankful you are being nice to her or else….

A 2015 analysis of 12,775 individuals found that kind, helpful men are more likely to attract partners. Research consistently shows women are attracted to generous, pleasant men. The idea that "nice guys finish last" is a coping mechanism for rejection; women more often reject men for being unattractive, broke, creepy, or annoying, not for being "too nice." Women aren’t repelled by kindness. They are repelled by dishonesty and a neediness which is ultimately self-serving. Genuine connection requires men to treat women as equals, not prizes or saviours.

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