What happens when you really love someone, but somewhere deep down you’ve always known that you are not the right match for them?
What happens when you realize that you have a lot of work to put on yourself, before you let someone in your life?
What happens when you realize that your partner may have made many mistakes, but you were critical of them mostly because you are usually critical of every small mistake you’ve ever made?
What happens when you realise that they may have their flaws, some even unforgivable, but you have yours too?
What happens when you don’t know how to wade through your own emotions? and most importantly
What happens when you realize that you were wrong?
Clearly, I had a breakup. When it happened is none of your concern. (I’m letting you peak into my life, but the details can be hidden).
I was in a relationship with one of the best guys I had ever met- soft spoken, minimal road rage, always had a logical answer (not always the greatest gift, if you ask), made friends quickly and effectively (not always a good thing if you can’t keep up), looked decent, sounded awesome, took care of himself (or at least wanted to, if you lectured him enough), looked great with rolled sleeves and could act that he is handling your tantrums well (while internally he made a list of how many times you threw a fit and how it hurt him). I could go on. He was just your average Joe, but maybe not so much for me. I was drawn to him, and I wanted to ask him out, and I did………. And he said NO.
But obviously, I wouldn’t be writing a long blog post for a failed crush. We got together, shortly after. I got a personal human diary and this blog was forgotten. All my life’s rants could go above his head, as I strung my frustrated words together and he hummed along while trying not to sleep.
Things were great, until they weren’t. Cracks were noticed, discussed and fought about, but Kintsugi (Japanese art of mending broken things) can only fix so much. Things fell apart despite the love between us, and it got me thinking (overthinking).
(Cue music)
…….
Sometimes life forces you to make difficult choices, it makes you choose between your happiness and the happiness of those you love. Now it may feel Bollywood-y, but trust me, it isn’t. Life doesn’t give you Bollywood choices, you don’t get to (and you shouldn’t) die for someone. You don’t get to fight the villain and become the hero for someone. You don’t get to sacrifice your pyaar for someone. You don’t get to be a Rockstar with the tadap (longing) and agan (fire) for someone. Nah-uh. It makes you choose if you would rather be with a person, despite the never-ending qualms, but someone to go back to at night or if you would rather leave a person to let him/her work on himself while you too work on yourself.
It makes you choose between what you love more, the borrowed comfort from another, while you stuff all the problems under the night mattress or the pain you’ll get from leaving a shattered situation and working on yourself that might bear fruits/comfort later (much like exercise).
I can speak for myself when I say, I have a lot of work to put on myself, I have a lot of growing up to do. I am often immature compared to others, and so was I with my partner. I have a severe pleasing issue and I don’t even give myself the dignity to be close to myself and listen to my own instincts. So much so that I don’t even know my boundaries (an issue quite reflected in our discussions), maybe because I never set them, letting people get away with whatever they do.
But shouldn’t attachment be healthy? I honestly feel that in no way should I be working out my own things with this person. That’s my work to put in. Shouldn’t it be us putting in the work required in our lives separately and then finding someone who uplifts us. (Not everyone has a Shahid Kapoor marriage, you know).
Cause when that work isn’t put in, it often leads to you wanting to prove things to your partner, just as you do with other relationships in your life. Like I………I wanted to prove to him that I was worthy of him, because I didn’t feel like I was. He always felt way too good, too fine, too beautiful a person and I had a fight with myself on a daily basis because of that. I know, I kept him on a pedestal, or maybe I recognized the gem of a person he is. But at the same time, I was continuously going through the arduous task of placing him right where I place all the relatives and friends who haven’t thought much about me, and I always got something to prove to them so that I can get their validation. He didn’t require that out of me, but I didn’t know how to do any better. I’ve always sought validation and always felt like I need to work my way up to that, overcompensating the entire way.
But as this was a relationship, I, despite all psychological/couple therapy-ish Instagram reels and TikToks, ended up wanting to find myself in him, burdening him with a job I should have done; not being independent right where it was needed. In this process, I probably didn’t appreciate him enough, or probably started looking at him with the same highly critical lens as how I see myself. I mean, aren’t we one unit now? But then I started noticing couples around me and I realised something. People are generally nastier to their partner than to anyone in any relationship. Is it because you have, in a way, earned that intimacy?
I think this would be the right moment to quote what I heard in a podcast – “Does familiarity breed contempt? I mean, familiarity isn’t exciting, and this is the very paradox of a relationship; you want someone who is thrilling and new but at the same time you want someone who is a blobhead and in front of whom you can eat the fallen popcorn on your lap. I guess, it’s about trying to make it exciting.”
It is often this loss of excitement that leads to resentment (this is something highly based on all the Instagram reels and podcasts I’ve consumed, I know my algorithm is sad, but I have a point). As people get more comfortable, they often lose the zeal they had when they started the relationship. The chase is often over and now you can be the callous blobhead you were when pursuing the relationship didn’t give you a purpose.
You can fall back, now that you have your person. What one fails to realize is, that this behavior, typically results in a lack of reciprocity and the relationship starts feeling one-sided. Now I’m not saying you intend so, absolutely not, often the intention is good and not even that loud, but your intentions are often not what’s visible, are they? It’s the efforts and energy you put in that showcase that intention. And not showing these efforts starts making one feel lonely in the relationship, which people deal with in different, and often extremely flawed ways. So, while you may have your reason, the other person has their reality. If their reality is that whatever you are giving to them isn’t enough for them to be happy, then your reason as to why it is, doesn’t really matter.
I think we all know what it’s like to be attracted to someone and being scared of the comfort of letting go and as much as I would love to know how people navigate the comfort and figure out how to keep the relationship exciting at the same time, I would also want to know that others’ have failed just like mine.
While falling in love with the person makes you feel like you are flying in the sky without wings…..ok more realistically, it makes you feel like you have a best friend for life, in reality, you are falling in love with the idea of what you two will be like in the future. Slowly, the ‘what is’ replaces the ‘what could be’ and the expectations start collapsing and insecurities start catching up. This is exactly where you start judging the emotional investment, time and energy the other person puts in. This is exactly where you start judging if they are making time for you, and not just crumb time but prime time (because you are worth being a part OF the schedule and not being squeezed in a filled one *wink*). It’s exactly where you start to notice if you’ll grow in life together. It’s exactly the time you start noticing if the other one is willing to fight for the unit or lose the person they love. While reassuring might look like showing the other person that they enjoy spending time with you and not only the big value activities but the mundane things, appreciating those takes a different level of maturity- something, you know I never had. I needed more, I wanted to be accommodated more, I wanted to be compromised for more, very much like a Rom-Com from early 90’s Hollywood. (We see the world through the lens of our own trauma, what can I say).
Cause honestly, love, unlike what F.R.I.E.N.D.S would have us believe, isn’t the be-all and end-all. You cannot love someone into loving you, you cannot love someone into making sense of your words when you act otherwise, you cannot love someone into doing activities they detest, you cannot love someone into imagining a future with you, Heck! You can’t love someone into changing themselves just to be with you. Love isn’t in the centre of the universe and I really blame the Indian Cinema into pushing that narrative. All love can do is offer appreciation and reassurance and that’s that. I think it’s important to remember this, just as important it is to remind yourself that just because you know it isn’t right right now, doesn’t mean it wasn’t right ever.
To qoute S.L. Gray
“I did not want this to be a lesson, I wanted this to be love”
Thus, I don’t resent him; I don’t hate him. I love him, but now, without attachment. I wish him well every single time I think of him; I miss him, but I just don’t crave for him to come back. I cannot ask him to be more than what he is at the present moment. He is on his journey—a journey I will no longer be a part of.
P.S. I request all readers not to pity me after reading the article or spread any hate against any person whatsoever. This is a take on a past event. I have already gone through the five stages of grief so please do not come with a shoulder for me to cry on. Also, please do not create stories, especially if you know any person referred. Any remark and opinion may please only and only be about the article. Thank you.
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