A look at Insecurity's distortions
Allow me to give you a sneak peek into a phase of my life during the last few months of my undergraduate years and I hope you'll indulge me. ..........................................
Everything was going amazingly well with life’s ups and downs, until slowly my insecurity started catching up with me. Once a chirpy, lively, talkative woman who faced life as and how it came, I found myself being completely absorbed with how people viewed me; how I looked; how my words garnered a reaction from people; did people even want to recognize me; were people ashamed of me, etc. The weight of these concerns pressed upon me incessantly.
In short, I let my insecurities slowly gnaw at me, and combined with my social anxiety and my dire need for perfection, I only drowned in the pool of a sad, lonely and overly aware life.
Allow me to clarify: This is not a rondru (weepy) story. Rather it’s just a conversation about a phase I went through, from, what I hope, is a completely neutral POV. I write this because I know there are people who have encountered similar experiences or been in a similar state of mind, perhaps at different junctures of their life. Also having gone through a myriad of things, I herein want to focus especially on my gradual erosion of trust in every interaction I had- how I started doubting every person who conversed with me, who approached me, or merely glanced my way, all because of my own creeping insecurity.
This phase came around the eighth semester of college, if I have to give it a clear timeline. I had overburdened myself by doing "everything" I didn’t do for the first one a half year of college. So here I was, mooting, negotiating, travelling, going out, studying at the last minute, gossiping and roaming around the college (a luxury for some, I promise) now that I finally had people who didn't just stick to their rooms.
But slowly, from a perky and animated woman who tended to savor life, I had become completely obsessed with the lingering question: 'What now?'. What should I say next so that the other person doesn't judge me? How should I look today so that they don't make fun of me? What reaction do my words garner from people? Will people even want to recognize me if I meet them by chance? Are people ashamed of standing/sitting with me? and the list of doubts stretched endlessly.
THIS.....this looming doubt of being the worst person walking on Earth, made me hyper aware of even the slightest change in expression and tone of anyone conversing with me. It made me gawk at how people act around me, so much so, that if the person in front of me was uncomfortable because of the heat, I'd assume it was my presence that was annoying him/her.
Anyone critical of me harbored hatred for me while those who praised me wanted something from me. People approaching me for a favour appeared selfish, acknowledging me solely when they needed assistance/had work while those who refrained from asking me a favour, likely considered me unworthy or inconsequential. Anyone who didn't reply to my messages hated me and found me annoying and those who couldn't help me for whatever reason were outrightly ehsan faramosh (ingrate).
Slowly, I became a girl deep-seated in her fears, surrounded by the caving walls of my room, my body just a shell for that fearful soul, my eyes, the lens to feed it more. I started separating myself from people, started wars which I thought were necessary for my survival, my overthinking changed course, and soon I was constantly on High Alert. For people who haven't experienced it, it is exhausting. It mentally exhausts you so much so, that even mundane everyday tasks become challenging. And for those reading and knowing fully well, what might have transpired, know exactly how my mental health only deteriorated from that point onward.
Sitting in the library was the worst, therefore, I shifted to my room. My room had windows and people could look inside, therefore, I kept my curtains perpetually drawn to prevent people from doing so. People who came to my room had a motive (as I thought then), thus I, an extrovert - a person who thrives on social interactions, stopped entertaining them. I began skipping classes, I skipped moot practices, I didn't want to help out my juniors in public spaces if they ever approached me and I started looking out for secluded spots to unwind.
I had started sabotaging everything I took up, because my mind just couldn't afford it. I was tired of thinking everyone around me wanted me to fuck off (sorry, Shaktiman). It seemed that everyone around me only coveted my position, my seat, my efforts, my emotional investments, any and everything I could offer only to give nothing in return. I felt like a prey, surrounded by opportunists waiting to exploit me. Everyone was out there to take advantage of me and finish me, and so I had to fight- fight with people for myself, and had to be aware- aware of who thinks bad of me, of who can sabotage me, of who is waiting to pounce on me next. This constant need to be on the lookout drained me and left me with a lifetime's worth of battles. I ghosted people, perhaps unintentionally, and I lost friends who once meant a lot to me.
On the other hand, I was attracting toxic individuals who were constantly draining my energy. The very people who were the physical manifestations of all my fears. And their presence only reinforced my beliefs. Strangely, being around these people gave me a peculiar sense of relief. A relief that I finally comprehended people, and my instincts weren't misguided. A recognition of the fact that I had to put in all these monumental efforts, for the breadcrumbs thrown at me because I was just that disagreeable. All of this hit me like a ton of bricks when I was asked to conduct a session for my juniors who would want to take part in the negotiation and mediation competitions in the future. My teammate and I had previously performed well in the same, and this opportunity felt like an honor. Yet, on a personal level, it was an opportunity to prove my own worth (Haha...I know, I know... I had done plenty such things before- why was I hyper-fixating on this one). Now for the Shubhangi before this, even an empty room wouldn't matter. She would go on the dais, deliver a quick quirky monologue, perhaps even embarrass herself a little, and then laugh it off with her friends. But on that particular day, when the students started leaving the room (as they did in every such session) something in me snapped. I was enraged and right there, in that room now filled with the surviving audience, I let it show. Was it embarrassing? Perhaps. but was it eye opening? Definitely. What had I become?
What had I become? This question started looming in my mind persistently. I had slowly cut myself from others and was left with no one to even go to the dances with. I had stopped attending classes, I had stopped putting efforts on myself and even started struggling with an eating disorder-consuming only a meal in every two days or so, which eventually lead to other health complications, I won't delve into. My brain felt shrouded in fog and I was always looking to escape from something but was perpetually, confined to my room.
I thought I concealed it well though. Whenever I found someone pretty, I couldn't help but tell them, I used to hang out with my friends to seek some semblance of normalcy (and gossip, never leaving that). But the signs were there, and the truth seeped through; when I was lashing out, when I was walking alone at night through dimly lit streets, when I was not accompanying people to eat (Me 🙄). It was evident to me too, when I would just pick up my cushion and go to sleep on the admin block's balcony, cause my room was suffocating me, when I was refusing to eat treats I once relished, when I had fallen heavily to alcohol,
when I was waking up at 2 p.m. and missing all my classes, not having notes to study for the upcoming exams (me not having notes was shocking for many) or when the maids who had been cleaning my room for years, approached me with concern etched on their faces: "आप ठीक तो हो ना बेटा ? आपकी तबियत आजकल ठीक नहीं लगती है। आप बड़े नाखुश नाखुश से दिखते हो।" (Are you alright beta? Your health seems off lately. You rather seem very unhappy.) Maybe I was unhappy, maybe lonely-maybe I had become the person nobody wanted to be around with my vibes radiating negativity.
Who was I kidding, I was ensnared by insecurity, gnawing on my head like ratatouille, but instead of creating delectable recipes, it brewed chaos. But I cannot sit here and deny the effect the others had on me. When I was chirpy and talkative, eyes would roll, and I'd be asked to quiet down because I spoke too much. When I participated in various activities, there were always people (then friends) urging me to dim my shine a little. If I was dressing up to go out with friends, I'd receive comments about how I'd look attractive and would be approached by others only if I lost some weight (the lies in that statement!). I was being told my crushes would never fruitify (and indeed, they didn't). The academic arena wasn't kind either, I was told I would never perform as well as a list of names I don't recall now. I was shooed away from my own friend because some guy had a crush on her and wanted her to be 'without me'. Coffee was spilled on my laptop to hinder my participation in upcoming events. I was being locked in my room quite a bit to prevent me from coming out for some time. I was being name called from atop a roof top because my political views didn't align with them. Behind my back, I had become subject of shame, ridicule, and dirty gossip, with the hope that I'd never find out (But I did, and I'll always remember them). As I write this, I realise that I was indeed bullied. and my descent into the grip of insecurity was the only logical next step.
BUT, and most importantly, this phase instilled in me a newfound confidence- to resolve to stand up for myself like never before. I had, until then never dared to do so, lest I become unlikeable (perhaps I was a people pleaser) but I now had firm boundaries, the absolute guts to confront anything that hurt me, and the strength to shield my close ones as well. While now I would spend most of my time working for the committee I was in, or strolling around alone, I also found a bunch of people, whose small acts of kindness kept me afloat.
Soon Covid-19 came and getting out of college became a blessing for me. I healed so bad, I became nearly untouchable (I still aspire to be the 2020 version Shubhangi). Words ceased to wound me, their impact diminished. I recognised my mistakes, inadvertently distancing myself from toxicity. I blossomed, blossomed to the most confident and determined version of myself I had ever witnessed. The death of Sushant Singh Rajput and the initial discussion around the same put things into perspective. I couldn't let that be the conclusion to my story, not even something close to it. I committed to work on myself, and I did, and I now know one thing for sure, no matter what life throws my way, I'm never revisiting that dark place again.
What I learned from this phase was, that most people don't walk around openly sulking about their problems. Instead, they wear a facade of happiness, projecting a happy emotional front. When cracks appear in that facade-even the tiniest ones-we often internalize it, assuming its somehow related to us. I wish I understood this earlier, I wish people understood this about me back then. But while I may not be able to alter the past, I'm committed to carrying this awareness forward, reminding myself that everyone battles their own struggles beneath the surface.
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